Healing from an Abusive Relationship: Three Versions of One Person

Healing from an abusive relationship often feels like healing from three different people. If you’ve experienced this, it will make sense (and it won’t if you haven’t).

Let’s break down these three versions: the love bomber, the devaluer, and the stranger post-discard.

1. The Love Bomber This is when you need to heal from the potential, the person they promised they were in the beginning. The person you stayed in the relationship for, waiting to see come back. The person who sweeps you off your feet, making you feel like the most important person in the world. They shower you with affection, mirror your likes, and create a whirlwind romance that feels like a dream come true. However, this version is addictive and deceiving because it’s all a facade. This is the person you fall in love with. Healing from this phase involves accepting that the reality you cherished was never real.
2. The Devaluer Gradually, the mask slips. The person who once adored you now criticizes you for the same traits they once praised. They undermine your self-esteem, making you feel like you’re not enough over and over again. This phase is filled with gaslighting, where your thoughts and feelings are constantly questioned — by them, and by yourself. Healing the heartbreak from this version of the person means understanding that the change in your partner is not your fault. You did not do anything to be devalued. You just became harder to control. They cannot keep power over you. In healing, it is crucial for you to reclaim your sense of self-worth.
3. The Stranger Post-Discard This feels impossible to heal from because it does not make sense. It is not meant to make sense. The person you loved becomes cold, distant, and cruel. They act as if they never had any emotions towards you. They make you feel like they forgot all of the memories. Healing from this involves accepting that the person you loved might never have truly existed and this is who they actually are. It’s about letting go of the illusion and mourning the relationship you thought you had.

Moving Forward: Healing from these three versions of one person is a marathon, not a sprint. Here are some steps to help you navigate this journey:

• Allow Yourself to Feel: Give yourself permission to experience all the emotions. The stages of grief are not linear, and it’s okay to feel different every day.
• Self-Care: Focus on activities that make you feel good and remind you of your strengths. This could be anything from watching your favorite TV show to taking a walk or treating yourself to a spa day.
• Seek Support: Surround yourself with people who understand what you’re going through, even if they are professionals you need to pay. Consistent support from a life coach, therapist, or support group can be invaluable.

Healing is a process, and you’re not alone. CRY, reach out for support, focus on caring for yourself, and hold on to your sense of self-worth.

I hope this was helpful and validating for you. You can find me at emotionalabusecoach.com, email me at jessica@jessicaknightcoaching.com, and follow me on Instagram @emotionalabusecoach