Recognizing Coercive Control in Relationships
Coercive control in relationships is more than just conflict. It’s a form of hidden abuse where one person subtly manipulates and controls their partner’s life, thus eroding their independence. It’s not always obvious, like physical abuse, but its effects can be just as harmful. In today’s article, we’ll break down what coercive control really looks like, helping you to recognize the signs and understand its impact.
What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behavior in which one person uses various tactics to dominate and manipulate another person, often in an intimate relationship. These tactics can be emotional, psychological, or physical, and they aim to rid the victim of their freedom and independence. Examples include isolation, monitoring, threats, and financial control. Recognized as a form of domestic abuse, coercive control is illegal in many places and requires awareness, support, and legal intervention for victims seeking safety and justice.
Signs of Coercive Control
Recognizing the signs is essential for identifying and addressing this abuse. Here are the 12 most common signs:
#1. Isolation from Support Systems
Isolating a victim from their friends and family is a common tactic in coercive control. It involves controlling who they see and talk to, limiting their ability to reach out for help. This isolation not only deepens the victim’s dependency on the abuser but also cuts off vital emotional support, making it harder for them to recognize or resist the abuse.
#2. Monitoring Daily Activities
Abusers may obsessively monitor their partner’s daily activities, including their physical movements and digital communications. This surveillance is often justified as concern but is essentially about control. It creates an environment where the victim feels they have no privacy or autonomy, constantly watched and judged.
#3. Denying Freedom and Autonomy
Restricting the victim’s freedom to work, access transportation, or make personal decisions is a key aspect of coercive control. In fact, this control can extend to making choices about who they can see, where they can go, and what they can do, severely limiting their independence and self-agency.
#4. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological tactic used to make the victim doubt their memory, perception, and sanity. The abuser will deny or twist facts, often directly contradicting evidence, to confuse and destabilize the victim. This can lead to the victim questioning their judgment and reality.
#5. Verbal Abuse and Criticism
This involves constant criticism, name-calling, and verbal assaults. The abuser uses words as a weapon to degrade and demean the victim, damaging their self-esteem. It’s a way to belittle and control the victim, often making them feel worthless and dependent.
#6. Financial Control
Financial control in coercive relationships involves tightly controlling the victim’s access to money. This could mean giving them an inadequate allowance, restricting their access to bank accounts, or preventing them from working. The goal is to make the victim financially dependent on the abuser, limiting their ability to leave the relationship.
#7. Domestic Responsibility Coercion
Coercive control can manifest in the unfair distribution of household chores. The victim may be pressured to handle all domestic responsibilities, reinforcing their subservient role and further entrenching the power imbalance in the relationship. This tactic diminishes the victim’s time and energy for personal pursuits, increasing their dependence on the abuser.
#8. Turning Children Against You
Abusers may manipulate children to turn them against the other parent, using them as tools in the coercive dynamic. This can involve making disparaging remarks about the victim in front of the children or subtly influencing their perceptions, thereby isolating the victim further within the family.
#9. Controlling Health and Body
Control over aspects of the victim’s health and body, such as dictating their diet, sleep patterns, and medical choices, is a form of coercive control. It strips the victim of their freedom over their own body and can lead to serious health consequences, both physically and mentally.
#10. Jealous Accusations
The abuser may make baseless accusations of infidelity or inappropriate behavior, particularly regarding the victim’s interactions with others. These accusations are often a tactic to justify their controlling conduct and to isolate the victim further from external support.
#11. Regulating Sexual Relationships
In coercive control, sexual activities can be regulated by the abuser, including making unreasonable demands regarding frequency or specific acts. This form of control can profoundly affect the victim’s sense of independence and self-worth, turning intimate aspects of the relationship into another avenue for abuse.
#12. Threatening Loved Ones
Using threats against children, pets, or other loved ones is an extreme form of intimidation and control. These threats are designed to instill fear and compliance, as the victim is often more willing to endure abuse than risk harm to those they care about.
How You May Feel Under Coercive Control
If you’re under coercive control in a relationship, your feelings and emotions may be deeply affected in various ways. Here are some common feelings to watch for:
- Confusion and Self-Doubt: Frequent questioning of your own decisions and perceptions.
- Isolation: Feeling cut off from your usual social support network.
- Anxiety and Fear: Constant worry about the partner’s reactions or displeasure.
- Feeling Trapped: A sense of helplessness and inability to see a way out.
- Low Self-Esteem: Eroded confidence and self-worth due to constant undermining.
- Pressure: An overwhelming feeling of being coerced or forced into decisions or behaviors.
Next Steps to Reclaim Your Life
If you recognize signs of coercive control in your relationship, it’s essential to take steps to regain your independence and well-being. These include:
- Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support organizations who can provide emotional assistance and guidance.
- Safety First: Ensure your safety by creating a safety plan, which may include having a safe place to go and emergency contacts.
- Legal Aid: When seeking legal aid, it is best to choose an attorney who specializes in domestic abuse cases. This person will be able to best explore all legal options available to you, such as restraining orders or custody arrangements.
- Seek Professional Help: Consider attending counseling or therapy to address the emotional impact of coercive control, as this will help regain your self-esteem and confidence.
- Document Evidence: Keep records of abusive incidents, including texts, emails, or other forms of communication, to support any legal actions.
- Financial Independence: Take steps to regain financial independence, such as opening a separate bank account or seeking employment if possible.
- Break the Isolation: Reconnect with friends and family, even if it’s gradual, to rebuild your support network.
- Trust Your Instincts: Trust your feelings and instincts, and remember that you have the right to make decisions about your life.
Final Thoughts
At the end of the day, breaking free from coercive control is a significant and brave step towards a better future. As you navigate this path, remember you’re not alone, and your journey toward healing is both courageous and achievable.
For more insights and support on this topic, consider exploring our Emotional Abuse Breakthrough Course, a resource designed to help you understand and navigate the complexities of abusive relationships. So, don’t wait! Take this step toward a life where your freedom and happiness are paramount!
