You do not have to forgive them
I really hate when people push a narrative to forgive your abuser. Yes, I get it, we don’t want to hold onto resentment, but you do not need to forgive someone that hurt you and abused you. You can decide if you want to.
The issue with forgiveness often stems from a misunderstanding of how it fits into the healing process. Forgiveness isn’t something that magically appears once you’ve healed; it’s more like a potential outcome of healing, if you choose to. In other words, you can heal without forgiving, despite what some may insist.
True forgiveness usually involves the other person asking for it. What’s often pushed is this idea of granting forgiveness without being asked by the other person — it’s like absolving someone of blame or guilt, in silence, which can be a tricky place for your brain to be in. And genuine forgiveness typically comes with an effort to make amends or right the wrongs. Asking for forgiveness without any intention to make things better is often just a manipulation tactic. Do they even deserve forgiveness?
People sometimes confuse “acceptance” and “letting go” with forgiveness. You don’t need to forgive someone to accept what happened and move forward. Accepting a traumatic event and letting go of the pain doesn’t mean forgiving the perpetrator.
Acceptance and letting go are crucial for healing, but healing itself is a process. If you are here, you know that. It’s not an instant switch from pain to peace. It involves validating your experience and feeling supported through it. Anyone who pressures you to just “let go” before you’re ready is missing the mark and undermining your healing journey.
Forgiveness is often about preserving relationships. If you want to rebuild a relationship with someone who hurt you, forgiveness can be necessary down the line in that process. At that point, it’s about moving through the hurt to reconnect in a vulnerable way. Of course, you’re not obligated to reconcile with an abuser or anyone who harmed you deeply — you can disappear from their life and that is valid.
It is important to remember that forgiveness, healing, acceptance, and letting go is that it’s a process. You can’t force yourself to forgive or let go — it happens as part of your healing journey and that looks different for everyone. Healing moves as it moves and what feels impossible to accept now might become manageable later on. There’s no timetable for healing, and it’s okay to take your time.
Those who push forgiveness might forget the complexity of their own healing process or misunderstand what it entails. Forgiveness isn’t the same as acceptance or letting go; it’s its own journey and isn’t always necessary for healing.
Healing begins when the harm stops and it could take years. You can’t expect to heal while you’re still in pain. It’s like trying to pull out a knife while it’s still lodged in you — the first step to healing is removing the source of harm.
Understanding forgiveness and healing takes time and self-reflection. It’s about honoring your own journey and finding what works best for your own emotional well-being. I hope you choose to show up for yourself.
I hope you can forgive yourself.
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